Vacations

Oh Happy Day!

That is such a cute name. Anyway Oh Happy Day is hosting a week-long Paris trip for two. I think this is the largest giveaway that has ever been on the craft blog cycle. It's really exciting.

http://ohhappyday.com/2011/06/goes-to-paris

This year is going to be all about vacations. I just got home from an overnight stay at Lincoln City with my boy and his family. We stayed at the Nantucket Inn, and everything was covered in rose petals upon our arrival. There were also bathrobes and chocolates on our beds. It also had a living area, a kitchen, and was only "12 steps away from the beach!" It was a lot of fun, even though I got totally burnt. I look forward to the day when Colin or I can drive and have money and we can have such a romantic getaway without his parents.

Then next year sometime I'm going to...wait for it...

DISNEYWORLD!!!!

Leslie, Colin's grandmother, is taking everyone on an all-expense-paid trip to Orlando, Florida for a graduation present. I am so excited, considering the furthest away from the Northwest I've ever been was Disneyland when I was 8. I've never been to the East Coast!!! I am so excited.

If I had the chance to go to Paris though, that would be super rad.

New Projects to Try. Knit vs. Sew

New projects!

http://versusmag.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2011-04-20T04%3A30%3A00-07%3A00&max-results=7

Quick Update on My Life

I have 47 days until I graduate. 25 actual days of school left. The deadlines are looming, and I am stressed out like crazy, right when senioritis is kicking in and I'm procrastinating like crazy. I'd much rather craft than do homework. Most of my work has to be done by the 20th of May, so I have even less time.

But what do I spend my time doing? Knitting. I made my first pair of fingerless gloves the other day. It's the only thing I've made since I learned to knit in 8th grade that wasn't a scarf. I gave them to my friend, Lara, who was loving the softness of the yarn the day before when I was knitting through calculus. Now, all my friends are buying yarn and asking me to teach them how to knit. It's funny how quickly hobbies can explode into large circles of knitting during study hall.

I also have gotten my friends into writing letters to each other. I love the mail system, and the effort it takes to write a letter the old-fashioned way and wait for a response. Doesn't everybody love getting mail?

Linkey Links

So here are some of the craft blogs that are super inspiring and just plain awesome. This is for my benefit as well as yours.

http://ryleehitchner.blogspot.com/

http://www.rufflesandstuff.com/

http://www.gussysews.com/

http://www.danielleburkleo.com/

http://liliash.blogspot.com/

http://www.thejoycottage.com/


http://stripedfeatherco.blogspot.com/

http://poppytalk.blogspot.com/

This tutorial for monogrammed mugs is so wonderful. I can't wait to try it.

http://www.designmom.com/2010/11/diy-monogram-mugs/

That's a lot for now. We'll see how long it takes for me to add more.

Coming Soon

I swear, I'm going to post more pictures of things, and update about what my life is like on this thing.

I want to be more like the other craft blogs, plus some creative writings and insightful thoughts. (Also minus the christian-ness, bible quotes, and housewifeyness. Although I would make a WONDERFUL housewife.)

So as soon as I got through my history and find them all again (why didn't I write it down? WHY? -.- ), I'm going to post links to the wonderful list of blogs that I discovered in the past couple of days. I'm also going to take a page from various blogs and post interviews with artist's, links to etsy shops, and write a day about what my room is like. The latter bit is partly because I LOVE my room, partly because we'll be moving soonish and I want to remember and cherish it, and partly because it's just awesome. Also supporting small businesses founded on the internet and the adoration people seem to have for all things homemade is a wonderful thing to do.

So hopefully writing this will motivate me to actually do these things. Kind of like a to-do list!

<3

The Secret Knowledge I Didn't Know I Had

One of the things about me, is I'm almost always looking towards the future. I'm always trying to see what it looks like, trying to make sure it will be the best it can be. When I was younger, I couldn't wait to be sixteen. Eighteen had too many responsibilities (it still does), but once you were sixteen, you were grown-up enough for people to treat you like an adult, but young enough to not worry about grown-up things. Being sixteen was cool. At least that's how thirteen-year-old me saw it.

I like to think that thirteen-year-old me also knew that things would change when I was sixteen. Like some sort of secret knowledge that even I didn't know I had.

Things did change when I was sixteen. I gained trust back from my parents. I made decisions that were extremely difficult to make, but extremely beneficial. I found balance. I switched schools. I went through therapy. I met so many new friends that I don't know what I would do without now. I met the love of my life.

A lot of things changed when I was sixteen. When I think about it now, my life would be so completely different if they hadn't changed. I wouldn't have my friends if I hadn't switched schools. I would still be in a negative environment. I wouldn't love what I do, or have the opportunities that I've had. My life would be completely different, and in no way as wonderful as it is now.

So I guess I want to thank thirteen-year-old me, for knowing that life would get better. And looking forward to this wonderful future.

You know what I can't wait for now? Being a mom. Although that is going to be a much longer wait. Way more then 3 years. ;)

Observations

It appears to me that all the craft bloggers are devoutly Christian mothers of one or two and are generally married to priests.

What does that say about the craftblog world? Where are all the teenagers? The unmarried folk? The non-housewifes?

I'm not sure where they are, but I know they are out there.

Dreams

Sometimes I like to write about my dreams. Writing about them helps you remember them later on.

So last night I had two dreams and I remember almost every bit of them.

In the first one, Emma and I were running around outside, just being silly and having fun. Kind of like we did on the snow day last week, when we went to the park and made a snowman and explored. We were running around on some grass and going over a river with these big black rocks around it and I was on the phone with her sister. Her sister, Katie, couldn't stand being away from Emma and said she was almost at the train stop near us. I didn't let Emma know that she was about to see her sister but instead started towards the train stop under the guise of more exploring. Then I saw Katie from the back, she was on a payphone. I guess Emma didn't recognize her until she hung up on me and turned around. Her hair was short and it's natural dark color, like it is when she first gets it cut. There was a loving embrace between sisters and we decided to get on the MAX. It funny how there were no buildings around, just fields of grass and a MAX stop.

So we got on the train and I wish I could remember our conversations, but I can't. It was something fun. Tanner was there, for some reason. Emma was sitting next to me, in the front part of the train, Katie was in the seats in front of us, turned around. Tanner was across the aisle, sitting sideways so we were all facing each other. I do remember it snowing outside the max. There were no other passengers I could see, even though some had been waiting at the stop where we boarded. I commented that when we got off the train, I would be cold because it was snowing and I didn't have a jacket. I think Katie offered me one, but I said I was fine for now. I stared out the windows. It was dark now, kind of the purpley-grey color that the sky gets when it's getting dark on a cloudy day. The snow was really bright but I couldn't see any ground around us. Just purple sky and white snow falling. It was pretty.

Then I woke up, thinking I had fallen asleep on the max. I was really surprised when I woke up and found that I was in my bed, had kicked off all my blankets, was cold, and had drooled all over my pillow. It was the middle of the night, so I went back to bed.

The next dream I had involved Bullwinkle's because I was thinking about how much fun Grad Night was going to be before actually falling asleep. I was there with Colin, Brendan, and Savannah. There was this really fun game I played where you had to direct yourself (I think you were in a rollercoaster car or a boat) through the turns of railroad track, waves of taffy, and onslaught of rain drops. It was really cool. You stood on what looked like a DDR dance pad, with the arrows, but it was made out of a stretchy plastic, like a trampoline or a scuba suit. It was really stretchy, so it sank quite a bit when you stood on it. You turned and controlled the car by shifting your weight, so I don't know why it had arrows like DDR on it.

There were three of these pads, arranged with one in front and two behind like a triangle, but the one in front was raised above the other two. I think this was for single or two-player mode. I was playing for a really long time, and having a blast. I think I remember Emma being there beside me, cheering me on or playing alongside me, I don't know. Maybe my dream-self just had that memory because until I woke up, I was sure that I had played this game before, the last time I went to Bullwinkle's, which was with Emma. After I woke up, I realized that the game didn't exist and was kind of disappointed.

The game was really cool because when your cart did flips in the air or went upside down, you felt like you were going upside down. There was some story about a family going to a theme park and it was a murder mystery but I don't remember much of that. I just remember the flips in a pink, taffy ocean. It was wicked. But after I had played for forever and finally lost (but still making a high score!), I went to find Colin to play alongside him.

I did finally find him, shouting at him from across the room. He turned and he had this red stuff all over his mouth and dripping down his chin, like the blood on a zombie who just devoured somebody. He also had one of those wind-up keys that are on old toys spinning on his back. I remember thinking that he must have got his face-painted and a cool costume accessory from the prize-counter. Suddenly he was beside me, devoid of blood and wind-up key. I told him about the game and we ran off to go play it together. He was terrible at it, and we kept dying. It was still really fun. Then I remembered we hadn't seen Brendan or Savannah for a while so we went off and found them and I told them all how happy I was to hang out with all of them and be here. We ate pizza and had a blast, the four of us.

I love happy dreams. <3 <3 <3

New Layout

I finally figured out how to get rid of that pesky photobucket broken link background. Turns out I was pasting the code from http://shabbyblogs.com/ into the wrong widget.

Anyshoe, I took it as a chance to change up the old layout. I'm not sure if I like it yet. Maybe I'll revert to the old one, I dunno.

That's all for today. Hope you're having a good one.

One year of Bliss

As of 1 week ago, I have been dating the same person for 1 year. An entire year. That's a really long time for me to hold onto a relationship, let alone one that's healthy for me.

And I love him. More than I've loved anyone. I find this combination of love and time absolutely incredible.

Our anniversary landed on last Tuesday, but we celebrated on Monday. We made a blanket fort and watched Iron Man 2 and it was a lot of fun. I gave him a photoshop collage of a couple of pictures of us and all these different languages that all say 'I love you.' I took them from the 115 facebook posts he put on my wall. He really did post 'I love you' on my wall in 115 different languages. He's ridiculous like that. He gave me a shirt with a picture of us on it, which he's currently adding to. He also gave me underwear. I know what you're thinking, that he probably gave me some lacy little thong from Victoria Secret. You'd be wrong. He gave me pink cotton panties that say "The Beaver State" on the front with a picture of a beaver, and "I <3 Oregon" on the back. They're a good luck charm to get into Oregon State, or as Tammy Jo says "that Beaver school."

Right? My boyfriend is ridiculous. <3

It didn't really hit me until now how long a year is. Before it was just like "oh yeah, we've been dating a year. Whatever. It's a measurement of time." I guess maybe that's because this year has gone by so quickly. It seems like just yesterday I was still a junior, with a year left of high school. Now I'm proud of it. I have been dating Colin Sanders for an entire year. The next step? To stay this way for the rest of our lives.

A Small Note to the Readers

So two posts in one day? I haven't done that for awhile. I haven't even posted on here since forever ago it seems like. I kind of forgot about blogging and how nice it is to get your words and thoughts out. I guess I should thank Jessica for reminding me with all of her comments. Thank you, they made me really happy.

So I just posted a lot of depressing stuff about my current stressors. I had hesitated before pressing 'Publish Post.' I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted I wanted to push my problems onto my readers. But it felt weird to write something just to delete it. Writing it made me feel better, so the words have a right to exist, right? I eventually decided that this blog is about life, my life. Life has it's ups and downs and who am I to protect you guys from the problems of the world? If you don't want to read about my problems, then skip over it, I don't mind.

Worries

Lately I've been kind of depressed. I've had so many things on my plate, it can be a little overwhelming.

I'm a worrier. I always worry about my friends, so I guess I'm not used to worrying so much about myself.

I'm worried about college. I don't know if I'm going to get into OSU, although everyone keeps assuring me that I am. If I do get in, I'm worried about paying for it, and whether I got my financial Aid information in on time or not. If I don't get scholarships, I'm not going to college. Mom and Dad can't afford to help out, no matter how much they wish they could. If I get in and can pay for it, I'm worried about living away from home. Yes, I'll only be an hour and a half away, but it's far enough that I won't be living at home. I'm supposed to live in a dorm? With a roommate? And what about college classes? What if I can't handle them?

I'm worried about Dad. I found out yesterday he has prostate cancer. I'm taking it better than the rest of the family. But still, what if it gets worse? What if Dad dies? I've never encountered death, and I'm terrified of it. Similarly, I've convinced myself that my grandma is going to die soon. She's 82, and very healthy for her age. She was in a car accident a couple of weeks ago. It was scary. She's fine, wasn't even hurt. But it occurred to me that she might not live to see me get married, or even engaged. That scares the shit out of me.

Those are only the two (three?) most prevalent in my long list of things to worry about. The difference between the worry I feel now and my usual moments of worry and stress that tend to coincide with big tests or finals week, is that with this worry I can't take any action. If I'm worried about a class, I work on that class. But this stuff, I can't do anything. I just sit and wait to hear the worst. I focus on it. It's not very healthy, but there ya go.

Snow

What is it about snow that's so fascinating? I've been thinking about this since our snow day last week and I think I know why snow is so different from other weather.

It makes things stop.

Snow itself is in a still state. It just sits there, doing nothing, until it gets warm enough to melt. And it is beautiful when it is doing nothing.

So it makes us do the same thing. School gets canceled. People stay inside. People spend time with their family instead of rushing around.

Rain moves around. It comes down from the sky and runs down the street and gets everything wet and droopy.

The sun makes things grow. It shines down and people want to go outside and run around and see the plants get bigger. The sun gives people energy.

But snow comes down and stays. It doesn't move into gutters. It freezes things. It puts them in a still state of being.

Just like it puts humans in a more still state of being.

We're usually so busy rushing around that we don't notice things. We notice snow because it isn't busy rushing around anywhere. It sits.

And when we go outside in it, we have to slow down and stop because otherwise we'll fall. When we're warm inside and we pass by a window, we stop because we're breathtaken by the beauty. We avoid venturing outside because it is too dangerous. So we cancel plans, we stay indoors, and we stop.

The power of a little snow.

A Link To More Muses, Somewhat More Successful Ones

I found the wordpress of mine before I revamped this ol' blog. Why did I switch from Wordpress to Blogger? I don't really know. Maybe I just like my familiar.

http://whilemalfoywatches.wordpress.com/

Negativity Can Ruin A Good Day

The world is too depressing of a place. I don't understand it sometimes.

All the posts I'm running into on facebook are talking about crappy schedules or annoying people or they're generally apathetic. My least favorite is "...mr. jolly is so cool but i really really hate the fact im stuck with all the punk ass shithead juniors in my math class. this is of course excluding certain people. but still, why are we stuck with such irritating people. we might ...actually need a seating chart cuz people are so fucking stupid."

Everyone focuses on all the negative things of the day. There are SO MANY great things to be excited about but people take them all for granted.

For example, things I was excited about today:
1. First day of senior year
2. Internships
3. It was sunny when I got out of school
4. My classes are a lot of fun and I get to see my friends every day now
5. My new bed is extremely comfortable
6. Mac n cheese for dinner
7. Getting mail
The list goes on.

I should have stopped and chatted with the person who made the status quoted above and pointed out all the good things that happened to them today when they were still online, but I didn't think of it then. I also didn't want to focus on it. Facebook had nothing to say but the negative points of the day, it was pouring down rain outside, and the world seemed too depressing in that moment to be worth my time.

One of these days I'll figure out that it's probably a flaw, but I like to focus on the positives of life. I try to skip over the little things that go wrong because fretting over it will just make me upset. Now, sometimes people have every right to be negative and upset and express it and I'm not saying everyone should ignore their negative emotions. Sometimes they just need to be expressed. I was definitely complaining today that our vice principal, Mr. Semana, was too stupid to understand that I am not supposed to be in Spanish 4.

But it's words like that that make general statements and lead to alienation of opposing views. Semana isn't a stupid person. He's quite smart to figure out and balance everyone's schedule to the best of his ability. The problem came about because he was stressed out and trying to decipher who needed schedules changed because of missing credits, and who just wanted a different class. I wasn't missing credits, so he figured I was okay. He rushed and didn't read the paperwork I had given the secretary all the way. He didn't look at my transcript and saw that I didn't even complete Spanish 1 last year. He was rushing because he was stressed because everyone wanted to change their schedules right away.

And after emailing him my reasons for needing a change, an email he took the time to read, he was all too happy to give me a TA period instead of a Spanish class and save me the embarrassment of being the only senior in Spanish 1.

So try to keep a positive look on life and appreciate the little things. You can express yourself when you're upset, but try to keep an open mind and see why someone is really acting the way they are. If they're labeled as "stupid" or "punkass shitheads" it won't solve any problems.

Here's hoping you're having a good day.

First Days

Today was the first day of senior year. Also known as my last first day of high school. Mom used this logic as an excuse to buy me ice cream because it was her last chance to do so on the first day of school.

Overall it was a good day. My classes seem like they'll be a lot of fun and I have a lot of them with my friends. I'll definitely have more work to do. Plus this year I know a lot more people at my school so it's less intimidating.

Even our principal said this was our year because we're the first graduating class of Health and Science and it's going to be great. We are the shit and have tons of new staff that are just dedicated to helping us out and getting us internships and all sorts of wonderful stuff.

So I'm pretty psyched.

Hello Again

Today was a self-proclaimed "lazy day." The plan was to go to Safari Sam's with a group of people, but enough of them bailed that Sarah, Colin, and I decided to reschedule. I think I'm the only one that realizes that we probably won't have time in the two weeks before our carefree summer days are over and school begins.

So I ignored my mother's insistence that I must get dressed and laid in bed, watching movies off of Netflix that I wouldn't have had the time to enjoy normally. I found a new favorite too. It's called "Love and Other Disasters" and it's a brilliant, quirky love story. Well it isn't A love story, it's more like four of them. This girl and all her friends in London. Like I said, brilliant.

At some point during "The Edge of Love" with Keira Knightley, I fell asleep. Woke up super tired to my mom asking me if I'd go on a bike ride in the park while she trained the dogs. She went on without me, While I spent too much time getting dressed.

They were right, it is quite a lot of fun to go bike-riding. I'll have to work at it, to be able to go any sort of distance whatsoever, but it will be worth it. I'm so very glad I learned, even if it was at the late age of 17 and under Colin's insistence.

I can hardly believe I cried over a bike when I was learning. I was so frustrated and angry at this piece of metal, and Colin wasn't helping very much by being all calm and zen and encouraging. It sounds like his demeanor would have helped keep me calmer, but at the time it just pissed me off.

It was around the point where I think he noticed that I hadn't said a word in 15 minutes (that's how you can tell when I get really angry, I'll glare, smile, and get really, really quiet) and wouldn't bring my eyes up from the handlebars. I kept going at it though, no matter how much I stumbled, I kept getting back on it. Sometimes I'd stumble because I'd succeeded and gone a decent distance. Who knew success would be just as scary, if not scarier, than failure?

Anyway we were walking our bikes back up to a certain starting point on the asphalt, when he dropped the zen attitude for a bit. He said that this could be where we'd teach our kids to ride bikes, in the same 3-step method he'd used on me. Then, we could go on family bike rides together, all of us and wouldn't that be wonderful?

Then I just bawled into his shoulder. If I had been able to hold in the tears, I would have just been in a sour mood the rest of the day. I just cried and cried and I was so mad at myself for letting a bike make me cry, and for letting Colin see me cry. I don't like being vulnerable, but I guess you have to be to be in love.

I am so looking forward to being a mother. To watch my kids grow up, and teach them to bake pies and ride bikes. They'll fall and cry and I'll hold them and ask them what's wrong and tell them how I didn't learn when I was 6 or 7, but when I was 17. Or maybe I'll just hold them until they're done. Like he did for me.

1st Camping Trip Ever

I got home today from the best 72 hours of my life, and I got to spend all of it with my wonderful boyfriend.

I've never been camping before. My parents went camping when they were younger but they're not real outdoors-ey types so my sister, Sarah, and I have never been camping. We never even pitched tents in our backyard, because we don't own any tents.

So Colin, who has grown up going to kids' camps and outdoor school because he lives in artsy, crazy, crafty SE Portland and went to hippie school, decided to take me to the SRVIV'D campout.

A friend of the family's, Peaceman, got into an accident ten years ago. He was horribly injured and came very, very close to knocking on Death's door. Thankfully, he survived. That's why he holds this huge campout and invites all sorts of family and friends and friends of friends to his little patch of forest every year. To simply celebrate life and have a good time.

So I got to go to the 10th anniversary of the SRVIV'D Campout, or as dad put it, "a happening." I had a great time. There was a stage and sound equipment set up so live music was playing most of the time and you could hear it from all around. On Saturday, there were carnival games where you could win SRVIV'D dollars and go and buy stuff from the "store," which was a really cool gathering of prizes that Paula and her husband, Peaceman (also know as Christopher), had set up in their office. There was stuff ranging from beanie babies, to Elaine's truffles, to sports jerseys, to liquor. It was great. Colin and I went round all the different games for a while and saved up enough dollars to get some orange truffles that his dad's girlfriend, Elaine, made.

After we were done throwing baseballs at bottles full of sand, or trying to toss a pool noodle through a hula hoop on a zipline or dunking Elaine in the dunk tank, there was a huge potluck. Everyone brought food and I had gathered up much more than I could have eaten. I gave my leftovers to Colin's dad, Jason, who was too lazy to get up and get a plate of his own.

Colin, Jason, Elaine and I were planning on going to Salmon River at midnight for some swimming but after dinner we quickly realized that it would be much more fun to do it when it was still warm out and we had full bellies. So off we hiked.

Colin and I had tried and failed to find the river before because Elaine's instructions of "It'll take 30 minutes. Just follow the main road, then there will be a trail, then just follow the signs." were completely untrue. There was one sign the entire way and it took closer to 50 minutes. Still, swimming in a cold river on a hot day when there are no showers to be had is pretty wonderful.

After we got back there was music and Colin made me dance. We roasted a single marshmallow each and listened to more awesome music, this time more freestyle. This guy Will sang for about 30 minutes straight about how Jason's balls are shrivelly little raisins and how he wants to be "best friends" with Jason.

It was a great weekend. And of course, I had the pleasure of waking up wrapped in my boyfriend's arms.

The Iminent Dangers

I'm in a very melancholy mood. As of late, I've realized how close I am to being an adult, and I'm not cool with it.

Last summer I threw myself at my friends. I had lost one of them, and I refused to think about it, instead trying to fill up all of my time.

I had a great summer. I hardly remember all the stuff we did. There were a lot of Hawthorne trips and going to malls.

This year, I want it to be awesome. As I watched my boyfriend go off to dog-sit while I waited for my dad alone on the pavement, who was an hour late in picking me up, I realized that this could be my summer. Colin has his responsibilities, I am not mad at him for leaving me to wait alone. But my other friends will have responsibilities too. They're all trying to apply to college and get jobs and live lives. Emma already will be working monday through friday. At first I didn't envy her. She had to go and be all grown up and dissect rats in a lab from 9-5 everyday while I still had time to be a kid.

I don't have time to be a kid. At least, I don't have anyone to be a kid with. Everyone is growing up, and I better grow up too or I'll be left behind. I'm already afraid I'll spend my summer sitting on my bed because all my friends are at work or school.

I don't like it.

A Thought On Influence

This was actually written March 3rd. I found it on my thumbdrive and liked it, so I decided to post it.



I'm going to see “Into The Woods” on Thursday. I can't help but remember Century's performance, and assume this one will be the same. It only just occurred to me that Cleveland is an entirely different school, with an entirely different stage, auditorium and people.
So Century's astounding performance will affect my review of Cleveland's. But can I help it? Can we help but be influenced constantly? Things happen, you experience daily life, and it changes you. Every minute we are changing because a minute before you weren't talking, you didn't see that poster, you were happier, you didn't take that latest breath. We are creatures of constant change. The question I pose is, can we help it?
Physically, we cannot. Our bodies act on their own accord, and it keeps us alive. Your diaphragm flexes, your lungs inhale, your hair grows, your cells die your heart beats your eyes blink and all of this is done to keep you alive. How does it feel to know that millions, possibly trillions, of cells have been created and cast off to die simply to keep you alive? This is out of our control. You always change, and grow, in life and death. Do our bodies not rot into dust when our minds have abandoned them? Our flesh deteriorates and we have no control over it.
But do we have control over the mind? The mind, surely, changes just as much as the body, for it is encased in flesh and you cannot have one live without the other. But are we able to consciously control that change after it reaches a certain point? When we are children, our mind is changing much quicker, our nerves are new, and quick to make the electrical connections and solidify memory in order to help us learn. I would not like to have an infant's miniature mind, unless I was able to remember the experience, of which their brain is incapable. Their bodies grow and with it the fleshy prison called the brain. It grows and makes more room for the mind to expand. There are odd connections between our brains and the world. Colors affect our moods, posters influence our choices, music creates emotions, and most of the time we aren't even aware of it. Can we help but be affected by this constantly, when we don't know we're being affected? We don't know we're being altered, ever so slightly, every second of every day, and that those alterations change us. Can we freeze our experiences in time, so as not to ever experience another one? Would that be such an awful fate?
To some, it would. To always be the same, and never see anything new, to never have another new thought, to never have another epiphany. To never change is to never learn. To never grow. But some are afraid of that change, and would pay any price in order to not. So deathly afraid that change isn't better so they would rather live monotonously in life over and over.
We cannot keep from changing. We cannot control it, or stop it, because most of the time we spend changing we aren't aware of it. That is how we cope. Those of us who hate changing, or being controlled, do not realize all the factors that are controlling them, and they don't realize how helpless they are in controlling it. If it does not occur to you, you will not be bothered by it for thought is the beginning of everything.



So there you go. An interesting idea I had a couple of months ago.

A Confession of True Love From Buttercup

"I love you," Buttercup said. "I know this must come as something of a surprise, since all I've ever done is scorn you and degrade you and taunt you, but I have loved you for several hours now, and every second, more. I thought an hour ago that I loved you more than any woman has ever loved a man, but a half hour after that I knew that what I felt before was nothing compared to what I felt then. But ten minutes after that, I understood that my previous love was a puddle compared to the high seas before a storm. Your eyes are like that, did you know? Well they are. How many minutes ago was I? Twenty? Had I brought my feelings up to then? It doesn't matter." Buttercup still could not look at him. The sun was rising behind her now; she could feel the heat on her back, and it gave her courage. "I love you so much more now than twenty minutes ago that there cannot be comparison. I love you so much more now than when you opened your hovel door, there cannot be comparison. There is no room in my body for anything but you. My arms love you, my ears adore you, my knees shake with blind affection. My mind begs you to ask it something so it can obey. Do you want me to follow you for the rest of your days? I will do that. Do you want me to crawl? I will crawl. I will be quiet for you or sing for you, or if you are hungry, let me bring you food, or if you have thirst and nothing will quench it but Arabian wine, I will go to Araby, even though it is across the world, and bring a bottle back for your lunch. Anything there is that i can do for you, I will do for you; anything there is that I cannot do, I will learn to do. I know I cannot compete with the Countess in skills or wisdom or appeal, and I saw the way she looked at you. And I saw the way you looked at her. But remember, please, that she is old and has other interests, while I am seventeen and for me there is only you. Dearest Westley--I've never called you that before, have I?--Westley, Westley, Westley, Westley, Westley,--darling Westley, adored Westley, sweet perfect Westley, whisper that I have a chance to win your love." And with that, she dared the bravest thing she'd ever done: she looked right into his eyes.

Buttercup's Confession Page 52-53 The Princess Bride

The Packrat's Paradise

Scrap is my new favorite place in the world. Dezzi and I went there together a while ago and I just now opened up our bags of stuff because the play I'm in has kept me super busy.

I got these two great big fabric swatch books for things like upholstery. One of them I'm going to take the pieces and cut them into squares and make a scarf, but i don't know what I'm doing with the other one yet. I also got this really long zipper, that I'm going to make into a rose, and I got a bunch of photos and art gallery postcards. Dezzi got some cards as well and these two big empty book covers that she's going to make into boxes.

So we got these two bags just crammed with stuff (mostly crammed just because the swatch books and book covers were so big) and the entire bill came to $5.45

Scrap is so cheap. It's a thrift store for crafters. A packrat's paradise (whether you're collecting or trying to get rid of). They have all sorts of "junk" that they get donated and sell super cheap. And I mean SUPER cheap. An entire inch of unused scrapbooking paper (that's probably more than 100 sheets) is just 10¢. Everything you can think of, they have. Scraps of fabric, wood, frames, photos, paper, cardboard, string, things that you don't even know what they were originally used for, but look really cool anyway.

Go buy stuff and support Scrap. It's awesome.

The Stresses of the 2010 Day of Silence

Today was Day of Silence.

For those of you who don't know, Day of Silence is a nationally recognized holiday that is a protest (of sorts) against discrimination and bullying of the LGBT community. The silence represents those who can't speak out and say that they are gay, because of fear.

I had a surprising amount of trouble this past week, trying to decide whether or not to participate. It isn't as if I wasn't sure if I liked the cause; of course I'm going to support any sort of protest against bullying or discrimination. But I didn't know what I would be doing by staying silent for the day.

I've been participating in Day of Silence for the last 3 years, since 8th grade, which was when I first found out about it. I guess part of the reason I hesitated this year was I wondered what are we really doing by staying silent? Just showing our support? Well, everyone already knows how supportive I am. I help run the GSA at my school. I advertise any sort of human rights rally that's going on. So if everyone already knows I'm supportive, what am I doing being silent?

So I was on the fence about the whole thing. I think a lot of it is I've been inspired to change the world and inspire others so much recently and I've been doing so much GSA stuff lately that I'm kind of "GSA-ed out," as Steeley put it. And I feel like being silent isn't enough. Sure, you show your support but in our school, most of the kids were silent and it was really cool to see how quiet the hallways and the cafeteria were. But is that all we can do? Show our support? I feel like we should be out there, holding protests and blocking the doors to congress and getting arrested for doing what's right. Like the hippies did in the good ol' 60s.

That's the version that makes me sound like a good person. Although still true, it really wasn't the main reason I was having such trouble deciding what my actions for today were going to be and it's definitely not why I was racking myself with guilt. The bottom line is, I wanted to be lazy. I found that I was asking myself "Do I have to be silent? Do I have to put in that effort?"

I felt like a horrible person because it was starting to sound like I was too lazy to fight for what I believed in. But there really wasn't much of a fight so it should be that much easier, right? Apparently not.

Yesterday I decided I was going to be silent because it was easier than feeling bad about talking when all my friends would be silent. This morning I wasn't sure any more. As I got ready for school (in rainbow colors. If I want to talk, I might as well show my support by wearing rainbow), I went over and over in my head why I should or shouldn't speak today. If I wanted to talk, why shouldn't I? Why should I do what all my friends are doing? On the opposite side it was expected of me to be silent today. I should support the causes I believe in, right?

So I was all stressed and guilty and unsure of what to do as I left the house for school. I got on the bus and saw Emma wave to me. I sat down next to her, and instantly knew what I wanted to do. I don't know if it was me, or Emma's influence or what but I suddenly knew what I wanted to do today as I helped her put duct tape in an 'X' across her mouth.

I was silent all day. I didn't slip up once.

My Perfect Little Nerd

I love my boyfriend. He makes me so very happy. I mean, how many people do you know are going to lie to you through their teeth, talk to your friends behind your back, and misuse your trust so they can surprise you the next day by being at your house before you get home from school?

He did that before we took the photo you see above. He lost practically all of his dignity and he was excited to do it. He was proud to put on a bra and dress for me, so we could take pictures together. He was ecstatic and couldn't wait until they were on facebook, so he could show his friends and family how cute we were. I mean, how sweet is that?

I literally cannot be sad when he's in my head. I had a math test today, one that I was in no way prepared for. While I racked my brain for the formula used to find the missing side of a vector, my mind wandered a little. I was wondering what my dear sweet boyfriend was doing, and if he was in precalc at that time, suffering as I was. I realized the oddest thing. My lips were spread out more and my cheeks had contracted. I was smiling where seconds before my life was abysmal. That's what he does to me, he makes me smile.

This last weekend we were walking on his side of town, in SE Portland, and we saw the oddest tree. It was absolutely covered in colorful strands of yarn. Whoever had done it had thrown spools of the stuff up in the air, over the branches, ran around the tree, letting it unravel and cover the trunk. It was crazy. I couldn't think of any explanation for it and I was so curious as to why anyone would do such a thing. So he gave me an explanation. He told me that the people in the house behind the tree were "chosen ones." They had to make a sacrifice to the gnome that ruled over Ladd's Addition (the neighborhood we were in at the time). The sacrifices weren't anything like ritualistic killings of goats or cats or anything like that. They were decorations. Every question I asked after that, he had an answer for, no matter how ridiculous or sensible. "what's the gnome's name?" "Ladd, of course." "Does he realize how small Ladd's Addition is?" "Well gnomes are much smaller than people. He's about a fourth your size, so for every step you take, he has to take four. So Ladd's Addition is four times as big in his perspective." It went on and on and I kept expecting him to laugh at me and say that's enough and we'd go home. But he didn't. He kept it all up, even when I took us totally off of our path to hunt for the gnome briefly. He even let me talk to a cat to find out that Ladd was on vacation. It was great. We're going gnome-hunting this summer.

I love my boyfriend. He's my sweet, confident, ridiculous, trustworthy, silly, encouraging, sexy, amazing, pretty, perfect, indescribable, little, Nerd. Everyone should have one.

Inspire Me (In Both Deep & Not-So-Deep Ways)

So it all started last weekend at Beaverton's Annual GSA Retreat. It was held conveniently at my school. We had a bunch of food, not enough people, and some really cool speakers. Although all of them were awesome, one of them really hit home with me, and her name was Nicole. She was transgendered.

Like all the other speakers, she simply told her story. She talked about growing up in a small town, raised by a Catholic family, and how she has 11 brothers and sisters. She talked about growing up envying the girls for being able to wear adorable dresses when she couldn't. She talked about always trying to hide her weird self. She grew up, met a wonderful woman in college, got married and had kids. This weird part of her never went away and she would still have to duck into the bathroom every now and then for some time in a skirt. One day her eldest son found some certain pictures of her times in bathrooms on a computer they had. He cried, showed his mother, she cried, got his father [Nicole], and they talked about it. They told him it was all going to be okay. And it was for awhile. Her wife knew and was okay with it. And her son too. It took some tears and getting used to, but they didn't disown her or anything. The problem with her wife was, she gave her blessing, but she didn't want to see it. Well one day she convinced her wife to come upstairs and see her in a dress. They were both so scared. The first thing her wife said? "You're beautiful." Just like that. I almost cried because it was so perfect. It was the last thing she expected but the thing she would wanted to most hear and it was just so perfect. My boyfriend does that sometimes and I want to just die with happiness because he is so perfect.

That wasn't the only time I wanted to cry, either. Further in her story she was going out with some friends of hers all dressed up and she gets a call from her wife. She says this: "I'm telling the kids today. We have to separate." It was so heartbreaking because they seemed so in love. They were so in love. She goes on to tell her story about how she came out at work all dressed up and the ordeals of that. She was so amazing, and so brave. I wish you would all go meet her.

The next inspirational speaker I met was at the 2010 Nike Youth Forum (otherwise known informally as Nike Day) this last Thursday. His name was Kevin Carroll and he too, simply told his story. His entire job is just going around, telling his story and inspiring people. He kept talking about this little red rubber ball that he played with and chased and that was his passion. The Red Rubber Ball quickly became a metaphor for your passion, and he kept preaching to chase it. He's written books on Red Rubber Balls, and he gave one to each of us, and some of us were lucky enough to get actual Red Rubber Balls that he also gave out. Mine is on my bookshelf. Kevin does some amazing work as a speaker. http://kevincarrollkatalyst.com/

The other inspiration I wanted to talk about was just all the sites I visited today from one little link that my sister emailed me. Ruffles and Stuff ( http://www.rufflesandstuff.com/ ) is just this girl who likes ruffles and likes sewing and created a blog out of her creations and even has some kickass tutorials. From there, I saw countless ideas from her and others that I fell in love with.

Like the Love Note Journal
http://ryleehitchner.blogspot.com/2010/02/bits-of-my-handmade-present.html

Or this girl who used fishnets in a classy necklace
http://getcraftin.blogspot.com/2010/02/stockings-and-pearls-equals-fabulous.html

A really quirky button bouquet
http://artisticcreationswithtrudy.blogspot.com/2010/01/button-flower-bouquets.html

A flowery Bracelet
http://therubberpunkin.blogspot.com/2009/12/fabric-flower-bracelet.html

I am always losing my pencils
http://noodleheads.blogspot.com/2009/12/tutorial-zakka-inspired-pencil-pouch.html

An Adorable shirt
http://tearosehome.blogspot.com/2009/10/t-shirt-makeover-and-more.html

Go write with a crayon. You forgot how much you missed them.
http://www.oopsicraftmypants.net/2009/12/shaped-crayons.html

But do you see? There are so many amazing people out there with such fantastical ideas! They're everywhere and we never really see them until we hear them tell their story, or post a cool link, or share their project. People are so intuitively creative and original, it's amazing.

Inspiration

So I've completely revamped this blog. I haven't posted to it in forever and I've tried making another one or another one I guess so I wouldn't have the past that's in this one, in my other ones. They were a fresh start. I could've deleted these, and had my 14-15 year old ramblings lost to the internet forever, but that definitely didn't feel right either.

On the other blogs I tried to be less whiney, or get more readers, or focus it more towards one specific thing. None of these worked.

And so I come back here, because wordpress was too hard to format, LJ was too social, and thousands of other reasons.

So I'm revamping the old blog for no new purpose other than to create. I have come to the conclusion (after jumping from link to link on other blogs for the past three hours) that I don't create enough. I've been incredibly inspired lately, and I should definitely not let it die off. I'll probably make a separate post for what specifically has inspired me, just so this one isn't too long.

I've missed this.

First Loves Are Always The Stupidest.

You left me three things.

Memories.

Experience.

And a scar.

An Explanation For My Long Absence

It's so interesting how my parents going through all my blog posts and using it as a frame of reference to my life has changed my trust. They don't trust ME. Well, I don't trust them!

I started this blog because my other ones had been hacked and (hopefully) a new one might make me actually post something. But no. I can't even use my favorite way of expressing my feelings (writing) with my favorite medium (typing) because I'm afraid my words will be used against me. I'm afraid everything I write here will be quoted and sent to my therapist.

It's so annoying.

Writing is my main outlet for expressing myself and it's so BRILLIANT to let your mind wander and type it out and just WRITE. It's a great way to get your thoughts and feelings organized.

But I can't do it anymore.

Because of my parents. They went though everything. They learned way too much about my life. They've made it so I can't trust my words, my expressions, my own mind. If it weren't for Andrew, I'd still be wondering if my parents were right and I'm crazy. I never post anymore because they've made me in some ways self-conscious. No one's ever used my words against me like that before. No one's taken my words, my thoughts, and ruined my life with them. That's why I'm so afraid now. I don't want it to get worse. I don't want it to happen again. I can't post things, I can't express myself because I'm too afraid that somebody will use it against me and I'll have ruined my own life by being myself again.

Life's Questions

Why can't life be easier? Why isn't Drake gone? Why does my sister think I only love her when she is buying me something? Why aren't I closer to my friends? Why do I make things complicated? Why can't I love Eli? Why does Tori have to leave a mark? Why can't I just erase their minds? WHY AM I STILL HERE? Why can't I be 18 already? Why are my parents still together? Why does she make them so uncomfortable? Why does my sister try to parent me? Why can't she leave well enough alone? Why do I make conflicting plans? Why do I suddenly have so much drama that I didn't ask for nor can I control? Why can't they understand our love for each other? Why does this have to happen to me?

My Stance on Love

Love...

A simple word, only four letters long.

But it might as well be a black hole. At the same time that two people are blissful in love it's tearing another couple apart. It's so alluring because we believe there's one person out there for everyone and once you find them you just know and it's happily ever after.

But it's not that simple. People fall in and out of love, because it's not true love. True love never leaves. And even if you both really love each other, that's not the only factor in it. There's all your friends, telling you he's not right, you're better than that and you break up with him.

Or maybe there's the intervening parents. Or someone else. Or you just live on separate sides of the globe.

Fact is, there are other factors than your sweet love. And they get in the way. It's fucking hard for two people not only to fall in love, but to stay that way. And no body warns you about it. Because no one can.

But hey, don't throw your hopes out the door just because of me. It is possible to stay in love and have it overcome all obstacles. It's just more common in fairy tales than in real life by a ratio of 23457854720978450978345907834597349057947 to 1.

So good luck.

Just a Moment of Weakness

Life lately has been, interesting.

I've been connecting with a lot of new and old friends. It's interesting the people who are coming in and out of my life. It occurs to me now that I don't feel that close to anyone anymore. The image of the cheerleader who has so many friends but doesn't feel like anyone understands her and is really alone comes to mind, but I'm not quite that girl. Maybe it's just that I'm lonely today, I don't know. That might explain my recent whore attitude. I feel cheap, unworthy. I shouldn't, considering the piles of compliments I've been getting but hey, that's the human brain for you, illogical.

Meh, not a very good day. I hope someone calls me soon to cheer me up.

Note to Self: Don't Make Out With a Smoker

I haven't seen ya'll in a while. Good morning!

It's definitely been a great spring break so far. Beach trips, sleepovers, Portland, and so much more has happened. Yesterday went from good to bad to okay and stayed that way. Mom and Dad didn't notice anything wrong with my appearance thank the gods.

I adore Portland. I don't think I can ever move away from this place. I love California too, but only for trips, not to live in. *shudders at the thought of being around all those creepy movie-types everyday*

Tori surprised me. At first we were having a great time then Elijah pulls me aside in the elevator to make out and Tori is shocked and starts to lecture me on how I like someone else bah blah blah.

Now, these are the facts that Tori is judging on:
It's been a week since I admitted to Colin that I liked him. Even longer since he figured it out. Nothing has happened between us. I'm not going to be loyal to a guy who isn't interested.

Then Tori realizes that Elijah acts a lot like the love of her life, Drake, and decides to make out with him, sit on his lap and pretty much do more than I was doing in the first place. Now you may disagree, but I think that's just a little hypocritical.

Elijah didn't come over last night, but I didn't really expect him to either. Drake is coming back today, so I don't know what's going to happen there. All I know is now that he's back from Cali I'm going to lose sleep again. Little bastard and his evil plots.

So that's all for now. Not a very interesting post. Sorry about that.
Until next time, have a great spring break guys.
Keira

Intentions

It's interesting how things have changed. For instance, I originally made this blog to keep up with a couple friends on here, when I realized no one was going to read mine. There were no comments. There were no followers. I had a blog, and no audience.

So I wrote for myself. I ranted about things I didn't think anyone else would care about simply so I could get them out of my head. It didn't matter what I did or didn't put up or whether it made sense because no one was around for it to make sense to other than me.

Then I was found.

Which is a bit of a feat, let me tell you. I was amazed when I looked and saw that I had a follower. Oh, dear Jessica, how awesome it was that you found me. Then lo and behold, TWO followers. It was a miracle! I had an audience!

It wasn't that I would mind if anyone had found this blog, I always wondered if people were reading it and just not following me (this totally makes you guys sound like stalkers for reading, sorries. It is not my intention). If someone read it, great. I didn't write it for people to read but I didn't care if they did because I doubted anyone did. There was no proof.

Now I have people coming up to me in the hall saying 'I read your latest blog' and people actually COMMENTING on my entries. It makes me happy, but I kind've miss the old one.

Maybe I'll make a new one, just to see how long it takes for people to find. It would be an interesting experiment.

A Quick, if Somewhat Vague, Update

It's interesting.

Life is turning around. Certain friends are making an attempt again. We're becoming closer again. They forgave me.

I'm almost scared about what the events of tomorrow will bring. I've been so lonely lately, so this... feeling for lack of a better term... is a strange one.

Let's hope Valentine's Day bring happiness instead of despair shall we? I hope you have an amazing time.

A Small Truth

Beauty is fleeting.

That's what makes it beautiful. If it is always there, it isn't extraordinary, it isn't gorgeous. It's normal. Beauty comes and goes and some people don't even see it, but it's already gone. They can't find it. it will never be the same ever again.

Every moment is different. It's unique. It'll never happen in just the same way ever again. And within each moment, is a thousand others that run away, just passing through the town for the slightest amount of time before they're gone forever. You'll never see it the same way again, it will never be the same. You can try to capture beauty, but it is just an imitation, it's not the real thing. the real thing doesn't exist, not anymore. It left a long time ago.

So you should treasure the moments you have. And the ones yet to come. Don't cry because it's done and over with. Celebrate that you had it, and what will happen. You can't even imagine it. Hold onto your imitations, for they're the best you have. They hold the memory. You will only be here for a second, only breath that bit of air for a fleeting moment before you're gone. So enjoy it while you have it. And when it is gone, remember. For the imitation that is memory is the best thing you have, and what a glorious thing it is. Because it is so much better than nothing.

A Short Thought

I love the night sky.

The stars shimmering through thin clouds, simply points of light in the dark. But they are gorgeous. The moon, watching over you wherever you are, lighting your path. It watches over the mischievous stars as they spell out their stories. Connect the dots. You'll be amazed at what you see. Past, present, future. All in a smattering of white paint across the canvas.

It's a brand new day, the sun is high, the birds are singing because you're gonna die.

Yesterday was an interesting day.

It started out great. I caught up on the past couple of days of sleep deprivation and the previous night's party. I had cheesecake for breakfast. I made a new friend. I got ready for my cousin Evelina's birthday party. She turned five. We had some delicious pizza and I told people about working at OMSI. They were all happy. I got to see Kathy and Chris Steele for the first time since May. It was fun.

Then mom and I went shopping. By the time we got to the mall, we were exhausted. But we trudged on because I needed pants for when I worked at OMSI the following week. We saw my sister working away at Macy's, and she showed us some stuff on sale. We finally got to the dressing rooms, and the pants weren't working out too well. Then my sister told me something that I didn't know: apparently I'm fat. Apparently the jeans that I was wearing and constantly had to pull up were too small. And the size I thought I was was about 2 sizes too small.

Normally, I'd just blow her off. She was wrong, because I thought I looked fine. It doesn't matter what other people say, as long as you like yourself. Everyone else's opinion is irrelevant when you are happy.

But something got to me. Suddenly I looked in the mirror and I just wanted to cry. My hair waas so ugly. My hips were huge. I looked practically pregnant. My arms were flabby. My face was all broken-out. I felt so self-concious and utterly hideous. All because Sarah told me my pants were too tight when they weren't. If it were anyoen else, I wouldn't have believed them. I thought I was fine. But no, Sarah had to do it. Sarah made me doubt myself, which is something not many can get me to do.

Sarah went back to work. Mom and I finished trying on outfits, and then I avoided looking in the mirror because if I focused on it, I'd be bawling. I had wanted to go to Forever 21 while we waited for Sarah to get off work, but now that I felt huge and their sizes run really small anyway I didn't feel so much like it. Mom dragged me to Eddie Bauer to see if I could find pants there. It was interesting. In every cute pair of pants I found, there seemed to be an 18, a couple of 4's and 6's and then about fifteen 10's. 10 is what I thought my size was. Sarah believed I was a 14. So, I tried them on for the hell of it. I confessed a small part of how self-concious I was feeling to mom earlier and she warned me that Eddie Bauer runs small. I thought she was lying to amke me feel better if the 10's didn't fit. I appreciated it and zipped up the pants to find an astounding thing: they fit. A little snug (Mom wasn't lying) but they fit. I was amazed that I was right.

It was a weird feeling. I'm comfortable with myself. I don't do things that make me self-concious and I don't doubt myself. Soemhow, in a split second all of that had changed with Sarah saying my jeans were too tight. It was so weird to experience that doubt, that feeling that I didn't like how I looked. I was so consumed in it, and almost as fast as she had said those fateful words, I had worn a pair of pants and it was gone.

We got Sarah, went home, and changed our clothes. I rubbed it in Sarah's face that my new pants were 10's and they fit, just to prove her wrong. A little petty, maybe, but hell, it made me feel better. Me and Sarah went to Coraline in 3-D and it was fun. I found out my cousin Chris Steele did the lighting. Afterwards, we were planning to do a double feature, but it was too late and we were too tired. We got out into the lobby about 12:30. Sarah went over to look at the employment application thing and I complained that I wanted to go home. She said she would be fast. I wandered the lobby, bored. I found out Transformers 2 is being released on my birthday. I tried to tell Sarah and she snapped at me. I left her alone. I watched someone play DDR to entertain myself while I waited.

Sarah came in the Arcade yelling. Everyone stared at me. Apparently she had been calling my name and didn't know where I was. Well, great she found me. Was she done yet? No, she had needed to borrow my phone. Did I let her? yes, I didn't want to make any more issues. for that same reason, when she asked I spell-checked the application. By the time we were done, an hour later (the process was supposed to be 30 minutes long), she lectured me about how she needs a second job to help out the family and I can't go out of sight because I can't be trusted on my own because of the course of the summer. I' so tired of having that be an excuse. I've proven myself trustworthy since then over and over but no one sees it.

We finally got home, and I just went into my room and cried. It wasn't the fight, because we had had worse ones. It was just everything. The comments over the course of the day, the arguments, the need for her to get two jobs, losing Thom, abandoning Tori, everything. I just felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do. I finally fell asleep I don't even know what time. The day had been so nice. The sun was out, it was warm, I at pizza and hung out with my wacky cousins. But of course, good things don't last. the day had to end up with me crying myself to sleep at 2 or 3 in the morning.

Reflection of My Unknown Birth

Some people say that in order to know your future, or to know who you are, you have to know your past.

To these people, I respectfully say: "Bullshit, I'm living proof."

For those of you who don't know, I'm adopted. And when you want to know why your mother gave you up at birth when your seven years old, what you're told is a large stretch of the truth. Then when you're ten, you learn something that is contradicting to what you thought, and then eventually you find out the 'real' story. The problem is that you've heard so many stories over the years that they've all melded into this kind of all-consuming, hypocritical truth that's really hard to remember all the parts of. So I honestly have no clue why I was adopted, whether or not my mother loved me, or anything about the family I came from. But I know who I am.

I do know some things. For instance, my birth mother's name. Shannon McGowen. My father was some architect or contractor or something and his name was Moses. No joke. I have a half-brother out there somewhere. My birth-father agreed with whatever Shannon thought was right to do with the baby. Oh, and I was never meant to exist. My mother had some sort of disorder or medication or SOMEthing where she didn't think it was possible to get pregnant. The chance was just low. And she found out I existed a little too late to get rid of me. She wasn't married, and as far as I know wasn't especially wealthy either. She was a drug addict. She kicked the habit, but her sister Moira did not and jumped off a bridge with her boyfriend when I was about eight. I have never had contact with Shannon. I am told she used to visit, but stopped. It was an open adoption and she could come see me anytime, but has not. I do not know why. I do not know why I was given up. I do not know my family's medical history, or where I came from. Yet I know who I am.

I didn't used to know all the not-so-nice details of my family. Those are a recent discovery. One day I was explaining to a friend how I was adopted and answering the usual questions about it when they abruptly said "You know, your mom is going to end up being a druggie or something." You don't really know how much this impacted me then. Because it was possible. She could be, and I didn't know it. I had done up until that point what quite a few adopted and foster kids and people who don't know thier blood family do, I was imagining my life would be perfect if only I hadn't been adopted.

Because shit happens. People complain, but I would always think, "if I weren't adopted, my life would be like this and this" I would be rich. I would have the perfect parents. I wouldn't have this problem or that problem because I wouldn't have this life. It wasn't that I blamed my parents for adopting me and Shannon for giving me up. No, it had just happend, and if it had not, life would be different and different had to be better.

So on that day, Charles made me realize how grateful I was that I was in this life, living with these people. I could've had a worse life. I could've gotten adopted by some jackass who didn't give a shit or beat me or something. It could have been better, but it also could have been worse.

And then, of course. I was curious if she really was a druggie and found out the "real" story. And of course she was. But hearing my mom and sister go on and on about what they think happend made me realize something else. These two people in front of me, they were my mom and my sister. My momma. My Dezzi. Shannon was... Shannon. She was the woman who carried me in her womb for nine months, who went through the pain of having me, the effort of finding the perfect family to give me to and I didn't feel at all close to her. She wasn't my mom. Biologically, yes. But in any other way, no. She was a stranger to me. And I felt guilty, I feel guilty, that I think of her that way. She went through all this effort but I still will not call her my mom. She may love me, but I have no feelings towards her.

And yeah, one day I'd be interested to see who she is. I want to meet the woman who gave me up. But I'm also afraid that she won't want to see me, but tough shit. I mean, there has to be a reason she hasn't contacted me in 15 years. And I don't so much want to meet her, as I want to meet the person she was when she gave me up. I don't want to hear a 15-year thought out justification of why she gave me up. I want to hear the decision made when it was made. bot don't get me wrong, maybe she had a good reason to give me up. Maybe she loved me. But maybe not. So I'm not really sure how I feel on the subject, actually. If she wanted to see me, okay I'll meet her. But if she doesn't take any steps to find me, should I take the steps to find the person who gave me up 15 years ago to listen to the well-planned answers to all of the questions? I want the real story. Is that so selfish?

These sorts of decisions change your life forever

I recently find myself in a predicament. forecasting is going to come up soon, and I'm not sure what classes I should take. Which ones will be too hard? Which ones will help me get into college? Which ones are going to be fun?

The main issue I'm having is whether or not I should try to do the IB diploma.

I've always had trouble with homework. I've almost always had bad grades. It's not because I don't understand it, it's because I don't do my homework. And I don't know why. Every year, I have the same problem, I'm getting straight D's where there should be A's because I haven't done this homework or that project. I'm always sabotaging myself when it comes to my classes and it drives me crazy because I don't know why. Why do I find it so hard to do some homework every night? Why are deadlines so difficult to meet?

It's not that I'm lazy. That would be easy to conquer and too stupid of a reason for me to go on like this. I understand the subjects. Hell, I'm in advanced classes. I'm not dumb. I'm not lazy. I have the time to do the work. Why don't I do it?

I remember at the end of the year last year, Caputo was telling us about his latest social experiment that he had conducted on our class. He was explaining why he didn't give out compliments very often, or ratehr why he never called anyone in the class 'smart'. He would tell his students instead that they were 'hard-workers'. His claim was that kids would do well but once they were told that they were smart then they started to fail. his theory was that kids who were told they were smart suddenly had a whole new pressure put onto them. They had to keep being smart, they had to challenge themselves more and they crumpled under the idea that they were smart. they couldn't handle the pressure of a title as high as that. It's easy to be average, easier to be dumb, but it's hard to be smart. He thought that instead of putting thatpressure on his students, instead he would tell them they worked hard, which was easy to do. It was easy to keep up hard work, but it was just too difficult to be smart.

Now, I know I'm smart. I understand hard concepts easily and I've grown up being put into harder challenges and being told 'You're so lucky you can understand things that others can't even fathom.' Now I'm not blaming my homework sabotage on every single person who thought they were paying me a compliment. The responsibility to do my work is completely my own. I'm the one who watched her none-special-ed sister go to Thomas Edison, a Special Ed school and do better than she did at BHS. I'm the one who watches people get better grades than me who are in average classes.

Now this whole 'smart pressure' thing is only a theory, and it's not the only reason I could not be doing my work. A part of it could be habit, lack of motivation, or I'm just one of those people who likes to eat their cake first and forget the vegetables.

It doesn't really matter what causes it. What matters is how I'm going to get over it. I want to take IB, I've got the capability. I need the IB diploma to get into college, because I'm not going anywhere without a scholarship. I don't want to admit defeat to myself and NOT do IB because I'm afraid I'll flunk out. The homework load is much larger and there are new projects every week. It's getting you ready for the workload in college. The thing is, if I can't handle my homework now, how am I going to handle IB? If I can't handle my homework now, how am I even going to get into college, let alone SURVIVE it?

I don't know what to do. I don't know how I can do this, I don't even know how to start. And if I get to overwhelmed, I'll shut down. Just stop doing any of it. So how am I supposed to balance this out? To get this to work and not fuck up the rest of my life?

SOMEBODY TALK TO ME.

Missed the dance. I was really looking forward to it too. Damn illnesses! turns out I'll miss school tomorrow too, because the doctor just called. Luckily, no mono but I have strep. I'll take some meds and by Wednesday will be fine.

Thom isn't answering his phone. Again. This means one of three things, in order of likelihood:

1) He's ignoring me. I can't think of a reason why.
2) He lost his phone. Unlikely, and if so, I'm screwed with contacting him.
3) He's dead. Fuck.
4) He's sick like me (because he gave it to me) and left his phone in his bag and hasn't gotten to it yet. I actually came up with this before the suicide idea.

The obituaries were sitting on the table this morning. I swore I saw his name when I glanced over them and after double checking it turned out to be a George Pedersons. the name was close enough to make me remember that one day it probably will be that bastard's name in the obits, and I'll be one of many girls who are hanging on to him and crying over his corpse.

There are too many coincidences lately. It's starting to get really strange.

Turns out, Emma and Katie were downtown when me and Thom went. They were at the Powell's, working on some essays. It would have been funny if we headed to Powell's and saw them. It would have been more fun than wandering in the cold yelling at him about bridges. Maybe not. Nothing seems to entertain him anymore. I'm not really sure what I think of that. I mean, he had fun shooting zombies with Steven, he has fun fighting me over a book of pictures (hey if you're reading this, I saw them already, on your mom's flickr. thanks for the link! You were so cute when you were 15. ;D), and he has fun having sex, but when he demands me to entertain him my mind's a blank and anything I try doesn't work. He has fun, but not when I'm the one supplying it.

It wasn't always this way. We had fun just sitting next to each other in silence. Just staring into each other's eyes. It was simpler then, but that's no more. He let me in then, and now he's pushing me away.

I should forget about him. Let him ignore me. Let him go off and kill himself and when I find out I won't care. I should, but I'm not. Ah well. It's a process and in the meantime, he's an interesting friend. One who can outquote me (why do I take pleasure in defeat?). One who can prove anything. One who hates the same people I do, and is hated by some of the same. One whom I've had some great times with, some bad as hell ones too. When you've experienced that with a person, you'll find it hard to say goodbye just like that and never see them again.

It'll be an interesting day to see where I am, exactly 2 years, five months from today.

It's pathetic to keep checking on here when the last person I know who posted anything put it up over a month ago. And he's the one whose on often.

God, I have to stop crying.

You Stink of Lies and Dirty Thighs

Hey yo.

I just was re-watching some of my friend Thomas' old videos on his blog. He hasn't updated in months, not really a blog person I guess. Or he just got bored with it. Ah well.

I just got home from picking out Christmas trees. I didn't do any of the picking. My cousin, Cole, took me out on his ATV and we drove around the land at 60mph until we got low on gas. If you like thrills, I'd suggest getting an ATV, and riding around hills and muddy country where you could topple over pretty easily with the guy who's usually out to kill you. It was pretty scary but really, REALLY fun. It was about 35 degrees up where they live, so with the wind blowing past us, and the mud making us wet and dirty (mostly me), it's surprising we didn't get hypothermia.

Mom was just talking about whether or not she'd get prosecuted for killing Dad.

I'm actually not really looking forward to Christmas, for many reasons. One, Mom and Dad are making me and my sister, Dezzi, feel like a burden for being here, because if we weren't here, they wouldn't feel guilty if they didn't get us anything. Secondly, once the holidays are over, shit is going to be hitting the fan. We're going to be going through everything, selling as much as we can, because we won't be able to fit all of our stuff in a apartment. We're moving. We can't afford to keep the house I've lived in ALL MY LIFE. I was raised here, I just re-did my room, and now we're going to move. We have no other option. I probably shouldn't say 'we,' because Dad isn't coming with us. He and Mom are going to probably get divorced because they can't stand each other anymore. Oh, and we have to sell our dogs, because we have too many.

Can you see why I kind've despise the holidays right now?

Right now I'm rping on my rp site with Sakura. It's kind've cheering me up, although I wish Shiny was on, because I enjoy using Kaiyo more than Kira and Riku. It's funny, when I play Riku, I just think about what Thom would do in that situation.

Which reminds me of the bastard. It's his birthday tomorrow, right? He's turning 18 and all that, and he hates that fact. All the good things about it he could do now if he wanted, and he really dislikes the bad. "14 is pushing it." so, he's going to be out all night, which ruins my plans of going over there. I'm still planning this elaborate maze that I told him about, but I'll use it in about 3 years, because he has the kind of memory that he'd forget all about it by then. If he's still there, that is. I miss his blog updates, I miss talking to The Girls. He's a lot more closed off than he used to be, but part of that is my own fault. Talkign to The Girls helped me understand him more. Kristi told Clara about the trip from this past summer. Yeah, she's pissed because she couldn't believe I'd be that STUPID. yeah, when I see her again, I'll have bruises. I was all excited to see Thom's face when I surprised him at his house, but no, he won't let me. Now I'm just... lonely I guess.

Alright, I have to go now. I have to get started on some christmas gifts.

Psychoanalysis of those I no longer need

I'm just so PISSED. But it's not the normal, hot anger. No, this is cold, this is annoying, this feels empty.

So why, you might ask, am I so pissed?

I have a simple answer, life.

I go over the old conversations, and I see what they were doing now and it pisses me off how blind I was to it, that I only realized it afterward. Yet I still wish to talk to The Girls because they may have made life hell, and I hated them for it, and they were able to manipulate me so simply and play their games with me, and I know it, but I still was entertained by it. I still hate Jess, I'm still careful of Jamee, but I'm curious about their opinions. they were able to give me a perspective that wasn't blinded by my own idiocy. But I digress.

Because that is not the reason of me being so pissed. It is just a simple fact, that I have lived with for months. The real reason I am pissed is just people. In general, the people around me. I think the only two whom I don't despise right now is Emma and Charles. I don't even know what they think of me anymore and it bugs me because of the simple fact that applies to even them, I do not need them.

It seems, in my recent attitude about things, that I do not need anybody. I love many of them, and I would be sad if they died, but if they decided to move or leave or anything, I would still live. Even if they died, I would still live. I used to be so dependant on such a small cluster of people, and now I'm not. I have no reasoning for it. I have no reason for anything. Life, is boring and I just don't care anymore.

But the main reason I feel this anger is HER. My former best friend. She hasn't done anything to cause it, it's just her attitude towards me, her replacement, and the realizations that her actions, or lack there of, have caused.

She wants control. Over everyone and everything. She avoids situations she cannot control
, under the guise that she doesn't want to take any risk to being hurt so deeply again. And maybe that's true, maybe she hates not having control because with control, there is no risk. That is why on Halloween night, she was so worried. So many interactions, so many things going on and she couldn't do a thing if they decided to take a turn for the worse. If I decided to betray her and get Lucas' number. She couldn't stop me. If me and Tamela decided that enough was enough and fought, she couldn't stop us. She worries that we are so similar, that her friends will meet me and see me as a replacement for her, and therefore leave her. She needs them. She needs them to need her, but if I come along, they do not need her anymore because they have a newer model. It was proven once and she refuses to have it be a risk again. She is so insistent that they hate me, to discourage me from hanging around them. But fuck it if they don't like me, they can deal with it, it will not stop me from doing what I want. I used to need her, I used to need Kristi, I used to need Drake, but no longer. I left Kristi because she was immature and pissed me off. So I told her, and she proved it even further. I don't know when it happened, but I don't NEED Drake either. I would prefer to be with him, for I love him like I love many of my friends, but if he finds someone else before I'm 18, then I will move on. I will hurt, yes, I will miss him more than I do now, but I will live.

Unlike him and his dear Tamela.

He still loves her and always will, but he doesn't even realize that it's to
such an extent that even when his heart was crushed, even as angry as he is at her, he still does not want to hurt her, yet he does. He wants her to be tortured, but not, because she is so precious to him. I cannot even try to wish he'd be that devoted to me. Not even when I am 18. He is confused because of the conflict and he only sees the hateful side of it. Before her, he was not suicidal. The day he stops seeing life so negatively, the day he does not wish for the cold kiss of death, will I believe that she is truly on the back burner.

So I will not compete, I will not give up either. I will simply enjoy what I have while I can as I count the days to my birthday 2 1/2 years from now, hoping that he doesn't find anyone else, and hoping that he finds reason enough to live until then.

Charles is one I love dearly. I only wish the best for him, as I simultaneously idolize him. I do not wish to be romantically involved with him, for I am not attracted to him in that way. But I love him like I've loved few before.

Emma I also love. I hope the best for her. She is the closest to me actually needing her because she is the one who makes me happy with simply her presence.

And then there's Tori. She pisses me off, and Drake was right. I wouldn't describe her as a bitch, but like Kristi, I have realized something about her and I cannot stand it. I will deal with her n a less brutal way than Kristi because even if she deserved brutal, I do not want to leave her torn for HIM to pick up the pieces and confide to. I will simply just not take any action to contact her, and if we do spend time together, I'll insist Lukie comes along as well and I will talk to him, I will enjoy his company before letting him be what apparently I cannot.

I give it at least a month before she even thinks about calling me. I'll give it 2 1/2 years for Drake, and for everyone else, until I am needed.

That's all for now, my dear nonexistent readers. That is my long and bitchy rant. I will post again when I need to. Bye bye.

So, I figured I'd post some of my photos that I'm considering entering into this sort of contest. And also for future reference so I can remember which ones I narrowed it down to.

Why Is The World Such A Cruel Place?

So, not fun times.

My dog, Toby, just had a surgery for his busted knee tendons and I can't look think about him without crying. I don't know why. I just do. I can't stand how he looks so sad. And he's going to be in a cast like this for 6 months.

So last night, after I had just had to let him outside because I didn't know when Mom and Sarah were going to be home and he'd been in the crate all day. Afterwards, I call them and they actually answer. Dear ol' sis asks why I sound so upset. I respond that I'm crying because of the dog. She doesn't get it. But, unlike MY OWN MOTHER, she doesn't laugh at me, she instead grins and calls me really pathetic. They'll be home in 5 minutes.

So Grandma, who was how I got home, leaves, knowing I'll be okay to be home alone for five minutes until they get back.

When they get home they scold me for crying and call me useless and pathetic a few more times. I feel like crying all over again so I go to my room and call Tom, because Tori and I are having a fight.

now, I'm not sure if any of you can get the bond that me and Tori have. We're soulmates minus the romance. We're best friends. We're brain twins. And now she has these two new close friends, Lucas and Sara--Lurah. The way she talks about them, and the fact that Sara is so like me, I'm feeling replaced. Which is not good, because I have abandonment issues. So I stew with it for a while, and when I tell Tori about it, whom I expect to understand and make me feel better and assure me it's not true and everything she does when I'm feeling down about anything, but no. She tells me because she doesn't know why I feel this way (hmmm, I THINK IT'S BECAUSE YOU ACT LIEK HE'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME, THAT YOU LOVE HIM MORE), she can't do anything about it. And that's the end of the story. She acts as if she doesn't CARE. I can see why Tom left all of them. The closest thing I can think of to describe it is:

Emma, if Katie had found someone and was becoming closer to that person than you, and used your inside jokes with them, and was generally REPLACING you, and then when you told her how it made you feel, she just didn't care, what would you do? That's kind've what I'm going through.

So then, today. Dad is telling me that because he's giving me rides everywhere (which he isn't, grandma is) that I have to clean the kitchen, put away the groceries, get ready etc. I say that's fine, I'll get to it right away. Then he tells me I have to let Toby outside. I explain to him how that turns me into as mother implied "a useless pathetic crying ball." He starts getting really mad that I'm not pulling my weight and everyone else is trying and how I have to tough it out and he doesn't care if I'm a crying useless ball. Then he leaves to catch his bus because he's going to be late.

I mean, really? I'm doing all the chores? Can't SARAH let the dog out and carry him around until he goes?

We all thought that once he got a job he'd do better. Be Daddy again. Stop being so angry all the time. But now that he has a job, no, two jobs, he's worse of a bastard than he ever was before.

I really just can't handle anything anymore. Too much is going on at once. I can't wait until the great big party that will be tonight starts so I can have some sort of fun.

A Day On the Other Side of The Rainbow

So, fun day.

I got to skip being a model and my homework, to go watch a movie with Dezzi. Nick And Norah's Infinite Playlist is amazing. OH GOD THE GUM. THE RECORDING OF THE ORGASM. OH OH GOD.

Yeah, so I suggest it to anyone who reads this (which is no one...). It didn't matter that I had already seen it with Tori (and we got everyone in the theatre to think we were together, it's hard to explain), it was a good enough movie to see it twice, especially with my sister. And then we had to pick up my mom afterwards and she said she'd be out in 5 minutes. In my mother lingo, that means 20 minutes. So, even though I don't even have my permit yet and it was completely illegal, Dezzi let me drive around the parking lot. I was giddy, she was freaking and I had her hand on the wheel the whole time. Then, after we'd gone five feet, Mom called asking where we were. We said we were down the street and we'd drive up in a second. She saw us switch seats and completely knew what had happened. Dezzi and I were all like "Crap, don't smile don't smile" as we were telling her we didn't know what she was talking about. She just told us we were bad girls and laughed. I doubt I'd ever get off that easy if she had any inclination that we were on a road, or if I actually had my foot on the gas pedal and if Dezzi hadn't had complete control.

So yeah, fun day.

But BEFORE school ended, I fell asleep in most my classes, had a fire drill, couldn't find Emmy, and I had to swallow my pride and write a Twilight Fanfic for my friend to cheer her up. It worked wonderfully even though I had to go against all my morals as a writer.

And tomorrow I get to be a model for a political statement on abortion. Whoo.

WHY DOES ALL MY MUSIC SUDDENLY SUCK???

Shouldn't A Zombie Not Feel Any Stinging?

So zombie parade was GREAT. All my friends minus Tori and Lurah showed up and it was AMAZING. I was a zombie bride. My train kept getting ripped up and I swear I was trailing that thing for two blocks because of it. Emma kept carrying it and then stuffing it down my skirt.

Also, I got home, was in the shower for an hour in a half using everything at hand to get my makeup off. I didn't look in a mirror before I went to bed. I woke up to find dark, sunken eyes and blood stains coming down my face. Exfoliated twice, rinsed, scrubbed, and did all sorts of crap to get it off. Although I was kind've tempted to go to school like that, I decided not to. I was too tired to deal with people asking everything and it wasn't nearly as great as it was before. In the end my face was really dry and I put some moisturizer stuff on it and GOD DID THAT STING. So I was in pain for half a day because I literally scrubbed my face raw, and then stuck some "envigorating" tee tree oil stuff in it. This stuff tingles when you're face isn't raw. IT STINGS WHEN IT IS.

And then I'm in Japanese and I scratch at my neck and my fingers come back white. I STILL HAVE MAKEUP TO GET OFF WTF NOOOOOOO.

And so, I loved the Zombie Parade (especially when I went afterwards to The Roxy with Chahles and people stared. I think we scared a couple of kids on the max home), and the dance was amazing, but the makeup was a bitch.

Oh also, I actually DREAMT about zombies. It had influenced me enough to do that. This just cracks me up.

Dances and Zombies. Nice Mix.

Why is it that every dance Tori and I go to has a Drake look-alike? And why does she always point it out?

Other than that little tidbit, which completely divided my attention and was ANNOYING, the dance was a lot of fun. I got to hang out with D'say and Panda and Tori even agreed that he was sexy, although she didn't like his manner because he kept ogling her. Now let's see, Tori's a D-cup and had a dramatically low cut dress AND she was grinding with a girl. What guy in that room WASN'T staring at us? She even said it was her GOAL to make as many guys as she could in the crowd get hard-ons. And then she's upset that Panda kept looking at her. This girl is so hypocritical.

So other than that, WHOO ZOMBIE PARADE. I have no idea HOW to do my make-up, and Dezzi was supposed to help me but she has to work so Dad and I have to fend for ourselves. GREAT.

I also have to figure out what I'm going to be for halloween. None of my old costumes work, because they all look like crap. So I maygo buy a V for Vendetta mask and be Anonymous, or just trade clothes with Emmy.

Ah well, I'll figure it out later. Ta ta!

A little dose of me and my creativity

So I was in class the other day and our teacher was discussing
the baby elephant at the zoo that was rejected by it's mother but they've reunited the two and it's all heartbreakingly sweet. Then he asked us to write about it after saying the following: "You don't have any idea what it's like to have the person who gave you birth just say 'Eh' and desert you, do you? Can you even imagine what that elephant would be feeling? Can you imagine what it's like to feel like your mother just left you?"

So here was my response:
"Actually I do. It's not hard, really. I can't remember the day it happened or anything but I can still feel the effect it has. Can you imagine what it's like to be raised by people whom you consider to be your parents, but to feel the guilt of thinking of them that way because they're not really. They picked you out on a shelf, the perfect child, to replace the broken one they lost.

And you are the perfect child. Never arguing, never getting into drugs, even when you were a baby you barely ever cried. You're easy. So when you make it hard they disown you as the person they knew. Now they have a stranger sitting in a stolen chair. Replacing the one that was supposed to be there.

That's all you are, a replacement. To everyone. Something to pass the time until you hurt them, until you lose their interest or maybe just until they find someone else. None of them really care about you. They just act that way to e polite, to get you to stick around so they can use you some more. Liars, all of them."

And that's as far as I got. Obviously, I have some abandonment issues, but it seems as though most of my closest friends have the same problem. Weird. It must be something in the water.

So in other news, homecoming is coming up next weekend, and I'm actually able to take someone who doesn't go to the school. Yay! It's gonna be fun. The hard part is, deciding between the two dresses that mom bought in addition to the new coat. We're taking whatever dress I'm not wearing back (because we're poor and can't afford to keep both, despite Dad's delusions), but I CAN'T PICK. I'm very indecisive.

I'm actually feeling quite guilty. Mom shouldn't have spent that money, she should have just let me wear something I had. Ugh. I hate my emotions sometimes. I'm always guilty of something, it seems.

Ah, well, I may post pictures later of the dress and my date and me and all those cutesy pictures that everyone hates. Ta-ta for now.