Worries

Lately I've been kind of depressed. I've had so many things on my plate, it can be a little overwhelming.

I'm a worrier. I always worry about my friends, so I guess I'm not used to worrying so much about myself.

I'm worried about college. I don't know if I'm going to get into OSU, although everyone keeps assuring me that I am. If I do get in, I'm worried about paying for it, and whether I got my financial Aid information in on time or not. If I don't get scholarships, I'm not going to college. Mom and Dad can't afford to help out, no matter how much they wish they could. If I get in and can pay for it, I'm worried about living away from home. Yes, I'll only be an hour and a half away, but it's far enough that I won't be living at home. I'm supposed to live in a dorm? With a roommate? And what about college classes? What if I can't handle them?

I'm worried about Dad. I found out yesterday he has prostate cancer. I'm taking it better than the rest of the family. But still, what if it gets worse? What if Dad dies? I've never encountered death, and I'm terrified of it. Similarly, I've convinced myself that my grandma is going to die soon. She's 82, and very healthy for her age. She was in a car accident a couple of weeks ago. It was scary. She's fine, wasn't even hurt. But it occurred to me that she might not live to see me get married, or even engaged. That scares the shit out of me.

Those are only the two (three?) most prevalent in my long list of things to worry about. The difference between the worry I feel now and my usual moments of worry and stress that tend to coincide with big tests or finals week, is that with this worry I can't take any action. If I'm worried about a class, I work on that class. But this stuff, I can't do anything. I just sit and wait to hear the worst. I focus on it. It's not very healthy, but there ya go.