It's a brand new day, the sun is high, the birds are singing because you're gonna die.

Yesterday was an interesting day.

It started out great. I caught up on the past couple of days of sleep deprivation and the previous night's party. I had cheesecake for breakfast. I made a new friend. I got ready for my cousin Evelina's birthday party. She turned five. We had some delicious pizza and I told people about working at OMSI. They were all happy. I got to see Kathy and Chris Steele for the first time since May. It was fun.

Then mom and I went shopping. By the time we got to the mall, we were exhausted. But we trudged on because I needed pants for when I worked at OMSI the following week. We saw my sister working away at Macy's, and she showed us some stuff on sale. We finally got to the dressing rooms, and the pants weren't working out too well. Then my sister told me something that I didn't know: apparently I'm fat. Apparently the jeans that I was wearing and constantly had to pull up were too small. And the size I thought I was was about 2 sizes too small.

Normally, I'd just blow her off. She was wrong, because I thought I looked fine. It doesn't matter what other people say, as long as you like yourself. Everyone else's opinion is irrelevant when you are happy.

But something got to me. Suddenly I looked in the mirror and I just wanted to cry. My hair waas so ugly. My hips were huge. I looked practically pregnant. My arms were flabby. My face was all broken-out. I felt so self-concious and utterly hideous. All because Sarah told me my pants were too tight when they weren't. If it were anyoen else, I wouldn't have believed them. I thought I was fine. But no, Sarah had to do it. Sarah made me doubt myself, which is something not many can get me to do.

Sarah went back to work. Mom and I finished trying on outfits, and then I avoided looking in the mirror because if I focused on it, I'd be bawling. I had wanted to go to Forever 21 while we waited for Sarah to get off work, but now that I felt huge and their sizes run really small anyway I didn't feel so much like it. Mom dragged me to Eddie Bauer to see if I could find pants there. It was interesting. In every cute pair of pants I found, there seemed to be an 18, a couple of 4's and 6's and then about fifteen 10's. 10 is what I thought my size was. Sarah believed I was a 14. So, I tried them on for the hell of it. I confessed a small part of how self-concious I was feeling to mom earlier and she warned me that Eddie Bauer runs small. I thought she was lying to amke me feel better if the 10's didn't fit. I appreciated it and zipped up the pants to find an astounding thing: they fit. A little snug (Mom wasn't lying) but they fit. I was amazed that I was right.

It was a weird feeling. I'm comfortable with myself. I don't do things that make me self-concious and I don't doubt myself. Soemhow, in a split second all of that had changed with Sarah saying my jeans were too tight. It was so weird to experience that doubt, that feeling that I didn't like how I looked. I was so consumed in it, and almost as fast as she had said those fateful words, I had worn a pair of pants and it was gone.

We got Sarah, went home, and changed our clothes. I rubbed it in Sarah's face that my new pants were 10's and they fit, just to prove her wrong. A little petty, maybe, but hell, it made me feel better. Me and Sarah went to Coraline in 3-D and it was fun. I found out my cousin Chris Steele did the lighting. Afterwards, we were planning to do a double feature, but it was too late and we were too tired. We got out into the lobby about 12:30. Sarah went over to look at the employment application thing and I complained that I wanted to go home. She said she would be fast. I wandered the lobby, bored. I found out Transformers 2 is being released on my birthday. I tried to tell Sarah and she snapped at me. I left her alone. I watched someone play DDR to entertain myself while I waited.

Sarah came in the Arcade yelling. Everyone stared at me. Apparently she had been calling my name and didn't know where I was. Well, great she found me. Was she done yet? No, she had needed to borrow my phone. Did I let her? yes, I didn't want to make any more issues. for that same reason, when she asked I spell-checked the application. By the time we were done, an hour later (the process was supposed to be 30 minutes long), she lectured me about how she needs a second job to help out the family and I can't go out of sight because I can't be trusted on my own because of the course of the summer. I' so tired of having that be an excuse. I've proven myself trustworthy since then over and over but no one sees it.

We finally got home, and I just went into my room and cried. It wasn't the fight, because we had had worse ones. It was just everything. The comments over the course of the day, the arguments, the need for her to get two jobs, losing Thom, abandoning Tori, everything. I just felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do. I finally fell asleep I don't even know what time. The day had been so nice. The sun was out, it was warm, I at pizza and hung out with my wacky cousins. But of course, good things don't last. the day had to end up with me crying myself to sleep at 2 or 3 in the morning.