The Stresses of the 2010 Day of Silence

Today was Day of Silence.

For those of you who don't know, Day of Silence is a nationally recognized holiday that is a protest (of sorts) against discrimination and bullying of the LGBT community. The silence represents those who can't speak out and say that they are gay, because of fear.

I had a surprising amount of trouble this past week, trying to decide whether or not to participate. It isn't as if I wasn't sure if I liked the cause; of course I'm going to support any sort of protest against bullying or discrimination. But I didn't know what I would be doing by staying silent for the day.

I've been participating in Day of Silence for the last 3 years, since 8th grade, which was when I first found out about it. I guess part of the reason I hesitated this year was I wondered what are we really doing by staying silent? Just showing our support? Well, everyone already knows how supportive I am. I help run the GSA at my school. I advertise any sort of human rights rally that's going on. So if everyone already knows I'm supportive, what am I doing being silent?

So I was on the fence about the whole thing. I think a lot of it is I've been inspired to change the world and inspire others so much recently and I've been doing so much GSA stuff lately that I'm kind of "GSA-ed out," as Steeley put it. And I feel like being silent isn't enough. Sure, you show your support but in our school, most of the kids were silent and it was really cool to see how quiet the hallways and the cafeteria were. But is that all we can do? Show our support? I feel like we should be out there, holding protests and blocking the doors to congress and getting arrested for doing what's right. Like the hippies did in the good ol' 60s.

That's the version that makes me sound like a good person. Although still true, it really wasn't the main reason I was having such trouble deciding what my actions for today were going to be and it's definitely not why I was racking myself with guilt. The bottom line is, I wanted to be lazy. I found that I was asking myself "Do I have to be silent? Do I have to put in that effort?"

I felt like a horrible person because it was starting to sound like I was too lazy to fight for what I believed in. But there really wasn't much of a fight so it should be that much easier, right? Apparently not.

Yesterday I decided I was going to be silent because it was easier than feeling bad about talking when all my friends would be silent. This morning I wasn't sure any more. As I got ready for school (in rainbow colors. If I want to talk, I might as well show my support by wearing rainbow), I went over and over in my head why I should or shouldn't speak today. If I wanted to talk, why shouldn't I? Why should I do what all my friends are doing? On the opposite side it was expected of me to be silent today. I should support the causes I believe in, right?

So I was all stressed and guilty and unsure of what to do as I left the house for school. I got on the bus and saw Emma wave to me. I sat down next to her, and instantly knew what I wanted to do. I don't know if it was me, or Emma's influence or what but I suddenly knew what I wanted to do today as I helped her put duct tape in an 'X' across her mouth.

I was silent all day. I didn't slip up once.