It's pathetic to keep checking on here when the last person I know who posted anything put it up over a month ago. And he's the one whose on often.

God, I have to stop crying.

You Stink of Lies and Dirty Thighs

Hey yo.

I just was re-watching some of my friend Thomas' old videos on his blog. He hasn't updated in months, not really a blog person I guess. Or he just got bored with it. Ah well.

I just got home from picking out Christmas trees. I didn't do any of the picking. My cousin, Cole, took me out on his ATV and we drove around the land at 60mph until we got low on gas. If you like thrills, I'd suggest getting an ATV, and riding around hills and muddy country where you could topple over pretty easily with the guy who's usually out to kill you. It was pretty scary but really, REALLY fun. It was about 35 degrees up where they live, so with the wind blowing past us, and the mud making us wet and dirty (mostly me), it's surprising we didn't get hypothermia.

Mom was just talking about whether or not she'd get prosecuted for killing Dad.

I'm actually not really looking forward to Christmas, for many reasons. One, Mom and Dad are making me and my sister, Dezzi, feel like a burden for being here, because if we weren't here, they wouldn't feel guilty if they didn't get us anything. Secondly, once the holidays are over, shit is going to be hitting the fan. We're going to be going through everything, selling as much as we can, because we won't be able to fit all of our stuff in a apartment. We're moving. We can't afford to keep the house I've lived in ALL MY LIFE. I was raised here, I just re-did my room, and now we're going to move. We have no other option. I probably shouldn't say 'we,' because Dad isn't coming with us. He and Mom are going to probably get divorced because they can't stand each other anymore. Oh, and we have to sell our dogs, because we have too many.

Can you see why I kind've despise the holidays right now?

Right now I'm rping on my rp site with Sakura. It's kind've cheering me up, although I wish Shiny was on, because I enjoy using Kaiyo more than Kira and Riku. It's funny, when I play Riku, I just think about what Thom would do in that situation.

Which reminds me of the bastard. It's his birthday tomorrow, right? He's turning 18 and all that, and he hates that fact. All the good things about it he could do now if he wanted, and he really dislikes the bad. "14 is pushing it." so, he's going to be out all night, which ruins my plans of going over there. I'm still planning this elaborate maze that I told him about, but I'll use it in about 3 years, because he has the kind of memory that he'd forget all about it by then. If he's still there, that is. I miss his blog updates, I miss talking to The Girls. He's a lot more closed off than he used to be, but part of that is my own fault. Talkign to The Girls helped me understand him more. Kristi told Clara about the trip from this past summer. Yeah, she's pissed because she couldn't believe I'd be that STUPID. yeah, when I see her again, I'll have bruises. I was all excited to see Thom's face when I surprised him at his house, but no, he won't let me. Now I'm just... lonely I guess.

Alright, I have to go now. I have to get started on some christmas gifts.

Psychoanalysis of those I no longer need

I'm just so PISSED. But it's not the normal, hot anger. No, this is cold, this is annoying, this feels empty.

So why, you might ask, am I so pissed?

I have a simple answer, life.

I go over the old conversations, and I see what they were doing now and it pisses me off how blind I was to it, that I only realized it afterward. Yet I still wish to talk to The Girls because they may have made life hell, and I hated them for it, and they were able to manipulate me so simply and play their games with me, and I know it, but I still was entertained by it. I still hate Jess, I'm still careful of Jamee, but I'm curious about their opinions. they were able to give me a perspective that wasn't blinded by my own idiocy. But I digress.

Because that is not the reason of me being so pissed. It is just a simple fact, that I have lived with for months. The real reason I am pissed is just people. In general, the people around me. I think the only two whom I don't despise right now is Emma and Charles. I don't even know what they think of me anymore and it bugs me because of the simple fact that applies to even them, I do not need them.

It seems, in my recent attitude about things, that I do not need anybody. I love many of them, and I would be sad if they died, but if they decided to move or leave or anything, I would still live. Even if they died, I would still live. I used to be so dependant on such a small cluster of people, and now I'm not. I have no reasoning for it. I have no reason for anything. Life, is boring and I just don't care anymore.

But the main reason I feel this anger is HER. My former best friend. She hasn't done anything to cause it, it's just her attitude towards me, her replacement, and the realizations that her actions, or lack there of, have caused.

She wants control. Over everyone and everything. She avoids situations she cannot control
, under the guise that she doesn't want to take any risk to being hurt so deeply again. And maybe that's true, maybe she hates not having control because with control, there is no risk. That is why on Halloween night, she was so worried. So many interactions, so many things going on and she couldn't do a thing if they decided to take a turn for the worse. If I decided to betray her and get Lucas' number. She couldn't stop me. If me and Tamela decided that enough was enough and fought, she couldn't stop us. She worries that we are so similar, that her friends will meet me and see me as a replacement for her, and therefore leave her. She needs them. She needs them to need her, but if I come along, they do not need her anymore because they have a newer model. It was proven once and she refuses to have it be a risk again. She is so insistent that they hate me, to discourage me from hanging around them. But fuck it if they don't like me, they can deal with it, it will not stop me from doing what I want. I used to need her, I used to need Kristi, I used to need Drake, but no longer. I left Kristi because she was immature and pissed me off. So I told her, and she proved it even further. I don't know when it happened, but I don't NEED Drake either. I would prefer to be with him, for I love him like I love many of my friends, but if he finds someone else before I'm 18, then I will move on. I will hurt, yes, I will miss him more than I do now, but I will live.

Unlike him and his dear Tamela.

He still loves her and always will, but he doesn't even realize that it's to
such an extent that even when his heart was crushed, even as angry as he is at her, he still does not want to hurt her, yet he does. He wants her to be tortured, but not, because she is so precious to him. I cannot even try to wish he'd be that devoted to me. Not even when I am 18. He is confused because of the conflict and he only sees the hateful side of it. Before her, he was not suicidal. The day he stops seeing life so negatively, the day he does not wish for the cold kiss of death, will I believe that she is truly on the back burner.

So I will not compete, I will not give up either. I will simply enjoy what I have while I can as I count the days to my birthday 2 1/2 years from now, hoping that he doesn't find anyone else, and hoping that he finds reason enough to live until then.

Charles is one I love dearly. I only wish the best for him, as I simultaneously idolize him. I do not wish to be romantically involved with him, for I am not attracted to him in that way. But I love him like I've loved few before.

Emma I also love. I hope the best for her. She is the closest to me actually needing her because she is the one who makes me happy with simply her presence.

And then there's Tori. She pisses me off, and Drake was right. I wouldn't describe her as a bitch, but like Kristi, I have realized something about her and I cannot stand it. I will deal with her n a less brutal way than Kristi because even if she deserved brutal, I do not want to leave her torn for HIM to pick up the pieces and confide to. I will simply just not take any action to contact her, and if we do spend time together, I'll insist Lukie comes along as well and I will talk to him, I will enjoy his company before letting him be what apparently I cannot.

I give it at least a month before she even thinks about calling me. I'll give it 2 1/2 years for Drake, and for everyone else, until I am needed.

That's all for now, my dear nonexistent readers. That is my long and bitchy rant. I will post again when I need to. Bye bye.